Bob the Dictator

I've always liked the sound of that: Bob the Dictator. I think Dictators are funny. Not so much because they seem to like slaughtering entire races of people, but because they are in obvious need of psychiatric help. To put it simply, they're fucking crazy. No sane person would ever aspire to become a Dictator. Their whole philosophy on life is "I am right, and you are wrong, unless you agree with me completely on every single issue." Those evil bastards.

The reason I bring all this up is that I took a test on OKCupid.com(yeah, it's a dating site, but it's funny). The test was designed to tell me what my political orientation is. I always assumed I was basically a democrat. Well, according to this damned thing, I am a Totalitarian. Thats right. It also provided a nice visual aid of other totalitarians, such as Darth Vader, Hitler, and Osama Bin Laden. So, I got to thinking, maybe I should be a dictator. There has to be some scientific basis for my test results, right?

My first action as Dictator of the US will be renaming it to The United States of Bob. It's my country, and if you don't like the new name, get the hell out. No, actually, I won't let you leave. I'll fucking kill you if you don't like it. Wow! Being a dictator is fun! Let's see, what else am I gonna do. Dictators like genocide, right? Let's kill all the rednecks. Nah... as annoying as they are, they can be kind of funny, in a stupid kind of way. On the other hand, let's kill them. Just think: a world without NASCAR, Country Music, Blue Collar Comedy, and tight jeans. Man! This is starting to sound awesome.

You all should start calling me "His Excellency, President for Life, BOB, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Conqueror of the Rednecks in the USoB in General and Kentucky in Particular." Has a nice ring to it. And Bob had BETTER be in all capital letters, and preferably in bold type if possible. Or else, you know, I'll kill you.

All I need now is military. So, as soon as I get back from my Thanksgiving trip, I expect all you fuckers to be lined up at my door, then we'll start my regime of terror. Well, terror might be too strong of a word. Regime of Happiness! That ought to garner me some favorable support. I'll pretend to be one of those benevolent dictators. And if you don't believe me, my personal militia will have you drawn and quatered.

And Dictators are all about some economic fairness. I'll show you fairness. Everyone: Give me all of your money. Simple as that. I'll let you keep the coin change, I've got a shitload. Then, I'll split it all up equally. Theres about 6 trillion dollars floating around the country, according to Google. And there are about 300 million people in the US. $20,000 a person? What the fuck? That can't be right. Tell ya what, I'll take half of all the money in the US, then I'll give the rest of you $10,000 each. That should be plenty for food and what not. Homeless People and those with ridiculously large houses: expect to have new roommates. According the US department of statistics, of all the occupied houses in the USoB, there is HALF a person living in every room. Damn! Is this country really that bad off? We've got 1% of our population experiencing homelessness every year, and we can't even fill up all the rooms in our homes? There is something seriously wrong with that. You people suck. I don't think I want to be your dictator... Just kidding. But anyway, that ought to level things out a bit. I'm not such a bad guy, am I? Am I? That's what I thought.

Phwew. All this excitement is tiring me out.

Love,
His Excellency, President for Life, BOB, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Conqueror of the Rednecks in the USoB in General and Kentucky in Particular