On the Joy of Waiting Tables

To me, there is no job more rewarding than that of servicing the public as a waiter. The gratitude and respect I recieve from my customers is nothing short of astounding. Unfortunately, not ALL my guests are so great. Here are some tips for dining out:

1. For starters, make sure that everyone in your group is not seated at the same time. For instance, if you need a table for 12, make sure everyone arrives in couples or less, preferably 10 to 15 minutes apart. This way, your waiter will be given the need to make 6 or more trips through the kitchen to get drinks, and will not be able to focus his attention on any other tables he may have at the moment.

2. NEVER answer a waiters question with a direct answer. If your waiter asks you what you would like to drink, a proper response might be "What are your soups today?" or "Where did you learn to write your name upside down like that?" Keep this routine up for at least another round before giving your answer. Waiters love to play hard to get.

3. Be sure that if your waiter makes the SLIGHTEST mistake at any point during your visit that you give him a mean look throughout the rest of the stay. If he questions why you might look upset, be sure to tell him that everything is fine, while still glaring at him. Be sure to never tell him what the problem is, or else next time he might not make the same mistake, thus eliminating any chance of you getting something for free.

4. When going to a restaurant on a date, be sure to ridicule your waiter at any given chance. Not only will you impress your date with your cruelty, but it will definitely make your waiter want to please you more. Your waiter will also be understanding if you decide to forgo gratuity. The knowledge that you might be getting some action is enough thanks for us.

5. A pat on the shoulder can be better than a 15% tip. Tell your server that they did a great job. Then there is no need to leave a hefty tip, because you've already brightened their day. If you are coming from church, then it might be best to write "God Bless You" in the tip portion of your credit card slip, in place of actual numbers. That way, it is up to God to leave the server enough money to pay his bills.

I hope everyone enjoyed my helpful tips, and be sure to make use of at least a couple per visit.