Rob Nixon- The man and the legend

Writing is harder than I remember it being. I can't seem to finish a post. I think that I'm probably burnt-out. I've made a commitment to quit smoking pot on November 1st. It's going to be rough at first, but it's something that needs to be done, I think. My short-memory is shot to shit these days, the past week is just a blur. Nothing stands out anymore...it's all just part of this intoxicated haze I've been under for years. I think I'm capable of more than getting stoned and serving tables at a country club. I'm an intelligent guy, with great ideas. I want to create things. Lots of things. I want to write a book. I want to make a video game. I want to make a great album.

I want to be a contributor. I'm not contributing shit to anyone right now. I go to work and do my good deeds, playing the role. It's rewarding in the same sort of way that telling a lie is rewarding. I want people to look back at my life when I'm gone, and say "Rob Nixon is a legend." It's a lofty goal, but do you think Leonardo Da Vinci earned his reputation by setting easily obtainable goals? Hell no. He was willing to whatever it takes to get the job done. And that's something I lack right now- willpower, and part of it is just a facet of my personality, and the other part is the all the blood in my body being totally saturated with THC.

I don't think quitting is going to be a magic cure-all for my retarded movitation, but it's as good a start as anything else I can think of. I'm going to take the money that I would have spent on pot, and start spending on things that will empower me instead of exhaust me. I've got my eyes on a nice weight bench. I used to be way into lifting weights. There is just something about envisioning that all your problems are encapsulated in those weights falling onto your chest, and imagining that if you can just shove them off, everything will be OK. It was how I handled my aggression, and it worked. I didn't smoke pot at the time because I didn't feel like I had to numb any aspect of myself for the first time. I spent most of my money at the time on food and supplements. I was healthy, and looked the part. I had confidence in my strength and appearance, and felt like I had the world in my hands. It would be nice to be able to feel even a fraction of that again.